Jobs, Jobs, Jobs...

I'd love to work part-time at a yoga studio, to just be in that environment, have a place to practice, and be around other yogis would be ideal. That's my new part-time job goal. I feel like I've been looking in all the wrong places, and this extended roller-coaster ride of a job search is the Universe's way of telling me that. I'm supposed to be working in yoga, so I can have an in at a studio once I have my instructor's license.

I applied to one online last week and she's supposed to call me back this afternoon. I've also been putting off calling places in my area just to get my name out there - I get so nervous over the phone. But my cards and my stars have been telling me I need to just pull it together and do it. Until I do, my chances of working at a studio are slim to none, I know that. It's in my hands, I just need to find my nerve....

Six Months +

When I quit my job last year, the one that was literally driving me insane, I knew things would be difficult for a few months. I did NOT, however, have a clue that it would be this hard, and last this long. All I want is a part-time job that can help pay my bills while I pursue my other passions - why should that be so much to ask for? Not only have I been turned down or ignored for countless jobs to which I've applied over these past months, but I've gotten about 5 or more job offers that have not actually become a job. Weird, I know.

In many ways, I'm glad I did quit that job. It was driving me crazy (really) for many reasons. But I was making good money, and I miss having money. Yes, I'm happier (except for being stressed out about not having money), and I'm pursuing my dreams... But money does help. It makes everything easier. I wouldn't have to worry so much. Even unemployment insurance would have been perfect for me in these circumstances... But I can't change the way things turned out, not now.

But I still think this is worth it - right? To have my sanity?

For months now, the Universe has been telling me, "Be patient. Good things are coming. Wealth is coming." But I've been patient, and I'm tired of waiting for things to happen! Not that I've just been waiting around, either, I've been working my ass off trying to make things happen, too. So far, nothing has fit. So - what? What now, Universe?!

Visitor

The Universe has always used animals to communicate with me. It knows I have a special bond with them, and appreciate their insight into the world. There was one day last year, when I was going through the bulk of my healing and keeping a journal of it, when I was particularly affected. I was eating breakfast outside, observing the nature in my backyard, when a squirrel jumped down from the tree closest to me onto the fence and looked me right in the eye. We stared at each other silently for several minutes, as if he were trying to tell me something, before he slowly made his way across the fence to the tree on the opposite side, never breaking gaze with me.

For the past week or two, I've been doing pretty well. I haven't been positive or able to meditate still, but I haven't been depressed or desperate, either. Yesterday was an exception. I was feeling especially rejected on all fronts, and became really depressed. I was desperate. I wanted to reach out and grab someone, anyone, to pull me out of the pit. Anyone but anyone would have done. A friend talked some sense into me, and after crying for a good long while, I went to sleep.

I wasn't feeling much better this morning, but I got up anyway and made some coffee. I'm trying to avoid the internet as much as I can, because it only causes more pain and that was part of the problem yesterday. So I was just sitting at my computer, watching an episode of Bones (as I have been known to do lately), when I happened to glance out of my window just as a hummingbird decided to land on my tree. I've never seen one stop for more than a second before flying off again, but she stayed for a good ten minutes and groomed herself. I watched her, and had to pause the show so that I wouldn't look away again before she left. She finished grooming, flew away, then came right back and this time sat on the branch facing toward me. She looked right at me. She flew away again and came back again, then again.

I don't believe in coincidence. I know the little hummingbird was trying to tell me something, even if it was only "calm down, good things are coming, just be patient."

Woke up this morning with my heart racing again, and kept on like that from about 8:30 this morning until after I got back from jogging. Anxiety is a bitch, but at least I've been able to get a full 7-8 hours of sleep again.

I worry too much. I think too much. I wish I could get out of my head. Or at least that I had a steady job or production or something to take my mind off of things... It's almost been three weeks, so why can't I stop thinking about it?

Tired of Waiting

I'm ready for things to start coming together. I'm ready for good things to start happening.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm broken-down.

I feel like all I do is wait. I'm sick of it.

Writing Every Day

I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing. I was journaling for a little while in the summer, but that didn't stick.

Ever since my laptop crashed, it's been hard to write. For one, I don't have Final Draft anymore, so I have to write scripts in Word, which is a pain. The other reason is that I have always looked to my older writings for inspiration, and now I can't even see them. Having a laptop was helpful, too, because I could take it to the park or a coffee shop or library, or even just downstairs, and people-watch or multi-task.

It has never really sunk in over the past year or so since my laptop died that I might not be able to recover what's on there.  There has GOT to be way, there just has to. All my scripts, all my short stories, all my poetry - my life, my being in words...

I will pay whatever it takes, when I have the money, anything, to get my life back. Those writings are too important.

For now, this blog will be updated daily, just to get back into the habit of writing every day.

Yoga Practice

Yoga is great for the soul. Cleansing, relaxing, releasing. Clears out all the junk in life, while also offering a great workout.

I've been practicing a lot lately. My current workout routine consists of a 2-mile jog two or three times a week, an hour of yoga practice three or four times a week and six sets of abs every day. Looking forward to getting my bike fixed so I can put that back in there, too.

I still can't meditate. Can't seem to clear my head or concentrate... What with money trouble, still having a hard time finding a job, and boy stress, it's been almost impossible to turn off my brain. It's getting better day by day, but it will really help when I have an income again.

For now, the physicality will have to do. My muscles are sore and toning, and it feels great.

Going Back to School

It's something I've been wanting to do since leaving. I love school, I love learning, and (call me crazy if you want) I love schoolwork. Not the busywork kind, actual work - researching, writing papers, reading...

Originally I'd planned to go to Grad school in Germany. I would still love to do that, but if I want my career to go anywhere, I really think this is the town to do it in. For awhile I was thinking about going for a graphic design and/or animation degree. But that's expensive, and I would have to commit at least 2 if not 4 years before finishing.

I want to get certified as a Yoga instructor. I want to go to school. So when I heard that LMU had a certification program, I thought, "Perfect!" But their 200-hour Vinyasa Krama teacher training program is only available in the summer... I really don't want to wait that long. I was all ready to live on-campus for the duration and get a job in Marina Del Rey and everything - I was really excited about it!

Well if I have to wait until summer, I guess that wouldn't be the worst thing. But I'd really rather do it sooner than later.

The only other program that has appealed to me is the Santa Barbara retreat with the White Lotus Foundation. But I have bills to pay and it's a matter of also coming up with the money to participate...

Why can't I just have unlimited resources at my disposal? Hear that, Universe? I'm waiting!

Zombiemania!

Yesterday was Zombie Day. I was a zombie in a music video with a friend of mine. We took tons of pictures, which will go up :soon:, though she wished we'd taken more. =)

Something you will learn about me is that I am NOT a morning person. Never have been. Never will be. But an overload of coffee usually does the trick.

So I had to get up around 5am to be at her house by 6:30. Mornings have been especially hard lately. I cry, rage, scream, throw stuff, or some combination of those. I've been getting through the hurt day by day, and each day it gets easier. I don't know why this boy is affecting me so much. He's not special - he's not even that great... I guess it's just I haven't allowed myself to have feelings for someone in almost two years. But even that wasn't this hard.

What I've learned from this whole experience is that I no longer want to be frivolous with my heart. I'm ready to open up and let someone in - I don't want to keep these steel walls up anymore. And that is a really good feeling. For that, I am thankful. Thank you, boy, for re-awakening that part of me.

Now if I can just forget him.....

Outlook on Life

I've been working on creating an archive of my old blog. As a result, I've basically read through my entire life over the past six years. What's interesting is that I've found I used to be very negative and cynical. Those things didn't change in me until this past year; I was steadfast in holding onto my beliefs and deductions about life and humanity.

I'm much more at peace now. Much more positive. Open to giving and receiving the good things in life...

Six years is a long time. But at the same time, it isn't. I have grown a lot since the ripe age of 19, but have only truly found myself in the past year. I'm much happier in who I am now. And grateful for the experiences and people who've come in and out of my life that have helped shape this person.